Written by: Nick Bankhead
So dig this. I recently was taking a walk in the hills of New Jersey. I needed some of that fresh New Jersey air, ya' know? And that's when I stumbled upon the legend himself: The Masked Shitty Swimmer, Mr. Jason Voorhees.
He was reluctant to take a selfie with me, but my charisma was on lock. So much so that he even let me pull out my phone to do a quick interview for Truly Disturbing.
TD: Jason, dude, thanks for taking the time, man. I'm truly a fan, so this means a lot.
JV: "Sure, it's no problem. I'm a little shy at first, but if I can vibe with you, then I can get with you."
TD: Right on. So, big question. What's new?
JV: "Well, I've been busy over at the camp. It's Pride Month, and I like decorating the cabins, having themed nights, and putting together a whole lot of fun activities so people can have a fab place to relax, feel safe, and celebrate who they are."
TD: Safe?
JV: Yes, Queen. Camp Crystal Lake is a safe space in June. So if you're part of the community or an ally, you can hang and ch-ch-ch-chill.
TD: Haha. I see what you did there. What happens after June?
(At this point in the interview, Jason takes two big steps toward us, pulls out his trusty machete, and grabs us by the collar.)
JV: July 1st? Back to work.
TD: Never took you for an ally, Jas. Or even being able to speak, really.
JV: Ally? I'm part of the community. I'm bi.
(Image Courtesy Of DeadMeatJames - Reddit)
TD: Wow! This is big news.
JV: Is it? Why do you think I agreed to make Freddy vs. Jason? For the script? I don't think so. That man is a wizard with the non-metal blade hand, if you know what I'm sayin'.
TD: I get you. Anyone on your kill list?
JV: That's funny you ask. I was just thinking how good Kid Rock would look in a yellow sleeping bag.
TD: Hell yeah. I'm sure my editor will lovingly have Truly Disturbing buy your ticket to Nashville.
JV: You're too sweet.
TD: Well, thanks, Jason. This has been unreal. Thanks for giving this ol' ace reporter a memory that will shine forever.
JV: Bye, bitch.
Jason heads down the wooded trail, we can't help but be in awe of this hulking monster and that's when he stops, turns around, and asks, “Does Home Depot sell glitter?”
I mention they might have glitter paint. He nods his head and tilts his hockey mask up so I can see that smile only a mother could love and he says...
“Mama loved glitter.”
