Written By: Nick Bankhead
The opinion of a cinematic nobody.
Hey,
Did the title stoke your curiosity candle? Did it piss you off? Did you read it and think, “Man, eff this guy for farting on my fave horror franchise”?
Cool. That’s what we’re here for. You have an opinion. I have an opinion. They have an opinion, too. I just happen to have a platform to share mine.
Side note: You can share your opinion, too, by emailing my boss here: Email Nick’s Boss.
Now that we’ve got the semantics out of the way, let’s get to the countdown.
THREE: Overhyped horror flick with no substance, story, or texture. This movie is made for folks who pleasure themselves to old issues of Fangoria. There is no story, and the one you can kind of find is dull and unimaginative. For real, without the gore, this movie has less substance than "Good Burger 2".
TWO: What the hell? Is Art from space? Instead of a vagina, was he birthed through a supercollider portal from a black hole located in the V-9 sector quadrant? I mean, come on. This supernatural shit at the end of the third Terrifier had me wishing it were "Good Burger 2".
NUMBER ONE: The allegations, man. I get it. I know that’s what they are right now, allegations. But there are a lot of them, and it’s not a good look for the franchise. “Corcoran alleges she was underpaid despite promised profit sharing, subjected to non-consensual nudity and harassment, forced to work in unsafe conditions, and exploited through the continued sale of unauthorized nude images.” Some might say she’s nothing but a cold-hearted money grabber, but I think those same people would blame the Cosby victims, so I could give two fucks.
All that typed, I’m still going to watch the last "Terrifier" installment. I want to see if "E.T." and Art are somehow related.
If you read this far, thanks for hanging out with me. Let’s chat soon.
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