TV Recap – AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN “The Replacements”

Do you enjoy incest and bestiality?  If so then you must have been thrilled with last night’s episode…read on to find out what other strange things happened!

Fiona can’t sleep so she does what any normal person would do…she goes downstairs and pours herself a drink to take with her sleeping pills.  Well that’s what I would do, don’t judge me!  As she sips her drink we get a flashback to the school in 1971 when Fiona was but a wee slip of a girl, a very rebellious girl.  She is talking to the current Supreme and tells her she knows that when a new Supreme emerges the old one weakens.  The Supreme tells Fiona that if she has her way Fiona will never take over.  Fiona slits her throat and we see a younger Spalding standing in the doorway.  We come back to the present and see Spalding in the same position and Fiona asks him, “Cat got your tongue?”  Now we know why he’s mute.

Zoe pays Kyle’s pot smoking mom a visit.  She tells Zoe that she was ready to hang herself when Zoe called her.  She tearfully says that she would love to hold and kiss Kyle even it was for one last time to say goodbye.  Madison, Nan and Queenie are on the balcony watching their hunky new neighbor Luke remove his sweaty tee shirt.  Luke’s bible thumping mother (Patti LuPone) sees the girls, quotes a bible verse and tells him to put a clean shirt on.  Madame LaLaurie is in Fiona’s room bawling.  She is watching President Obama give a speech and she is outraged that the “magic box” is lying to her.  Fiona twists the knife a little deeper and said she voted for Obama…twice.  LaLaurie looks at her in horror.  Fiona pulls out a maid uniform and tells LaLaurie that she is the new maid and if she doesn’t like it she’ll go right back in her box.

Mother didn't know that when she raided her son's stash that he was still alive!

Mother didn’t know that when she raided her son’s stash that he was still alive!

Madison, Nan and Queenie are waiting to be served breakfast and are talking about sex.  Obviously Madison is no virgin and we learn that neither is Nan.  But, in Madison’s words Queenie has yet to pop her chocolate covered cherry.  LaLaurie enters with a wheeled cart of their food.  Queenie remembers her as the bitch who brained her with the candlestick.  She tells LaLaurie that she better bring her food to her or she will “Frisbee” a plate at her head.  LaLaurie approaches her and throws her plate of food at the wall.  Queenie stands to confront her but Fiona stops the fight.  She says the thing she hates the most is a racist and commands LaLaurie to be Queenie’s personal slave from now on.  Excellent.

"How does it feel getting your just desserts?  Now where's my peach cobbler bitch?!"

“How does it feel getting your just desserts? Now where’s my peach cobbler bitch?!”

Back at Stevie Nick’s, I mean Misty Day’s place, she is listening to Fleetwood Mac and singing to Kyle.  He looks a lot less FrankenKyle than when we saw him last but he is still mute.  Zoe arrives and asks if he remembers her.  He gently runs his hand through her hair.  She tells Misty that she is taking Kyle to his mother and Misty gets quite upset and tries to stop them but Kyle shoves her off and they leave.  I don’t know if Misty is in love with Kyle or just lonely from being isolated in the swamp.

Madison and Nan, with homemade cake in tow, go to welcome their new neighbors…well just that hunky Luke fellow.  Madison shamelessly flirts with him but he keeps his attention on Nan.  When Madison complains that he isn’t paying her enough attention he tells her that she probably gets enough of that and Nan grins from ear to ear.  Mother buzz kill walks in and tells Luke that they are late for bible study and Madison mocks their religious efforts.  Mom grabs Madison’s hand to stop her from cutting the cake and Madison makes the knife fly into the wall behind her.  As Madison and Nan leave the house Madison lights the curtains on fire a la Firestarter.  Nan asks if she knew she could do that and Madison says, “I do now”.

Fiona and Cordelia are simultaneously receiving bad news.  Fiona from plastic surgeons and Cordelia from fertility experts.  Zoe helps Kyle to his front door and hides behind a tree to see the reunion.  Kyle’s mother screams then opens the door and hugs him tight.  Joan Ramsey, the new neighbor pays a visit to Fiona at the school and comes bearing a gift…a bible.  She tells Fiona that Madison had thrown a knife three inches from her head and Fiona deadpans that she needs to work on her aim.  Ha ha!  As she recounts the curtains-on-fire incident Madison interrupts and said she was possessed by the devil.  After Joan storms out a curious Fiona asks Madison to light her cigarette from across the room.  No more paying for Bic lighters, what a money saver!

Kyle’s mom goes into his room and climbs into bed with him.  She tells him that she noticed his body was different.  Then she starts kissing him on the mouth and her hand snakes under the covers to Kyle’s unmentionable bit.  I wonder if it’s his or another guy’s.  From the looks of it his mother would know.  Ewww!  Kyle turns his head to the side and cries.  Meanwhile a desperate Cordelia pays Marie’s salon a visit to discuss her fertility problem.  We get a glimpse of what the spell entails and then Marie asks for fifty-thousand dollars.  Cordelia is shocked but says she will come up with the money.  Marie cruelly laughs in her face and says she would never help the daughter of her sworn enemy.  She also informs Cordelia that Fiona has messed with the wrong witch.

"Don't make me laugh manically Cordelia, I wouldn't sacrifice a goat for the barren daughter of my sworn enemy!"

“Don’t make me laugh manically Cordelia, I wouldn’t sacrifice a goat for the barren daughter of my sworn enemy!”

Fiona and Madison are enjoying lunch al fresco when Fiona asks about Madison’s powers.  She laments that she wasn’t a better mother to Cordelia and Madison asks her to teach her all she knows.  Fiona tests Madison’s new found powers and asks her to force a random man walking across the street to stand in the middle of a busy street.  Cars swerve to avoid hitting him and Madison shakily asks if she did it or Fiona.

Queenie is lavishing in her new role as slave owner and compliments LaLaurie’s homemade chicken pot pie and says she’s now ready for peach cobbler.  LaLaurie hears a noise outside and looks out the kitchen window.  She sees the minotaur charging toward her.  She rushes to lock the door as Queenie gets up to find out what the hell is going on.  Then she hears a loud thud as the bull man rams the door.  LaLaurie begs on her hands and knees that they must hide.  Queenie grabs a knife and cuts LaLaurie’s hand and places a towel over it.  She tells LaLaurie to go hide and then ventures outside with the bloody rag.  She lures the bull with the scent of LaLaurie’s blood and then says that she knows that all he wanted was love…that they both deserved love…I don’t like where this is going.  She lifts her dress and begins to stroke her…ahem…kitty cat and tells him, “Don’t you want to love me?”.  The bull moves behind her and strokes her with his horns and places a hoof-hand on her shoulder.  Everything seems to be going well…if you’re into that kind of thing and then he violently covers her mouth and that’s the last we see of Queenie this episode.

Kyle’s mom goes into his room again and says she has invited Zoe to dinner.  Kyle stands up to her and she starts kissing him again saying that Zoe can’t please him the way that she can.  He screams in anger and bashes her face in with one of the many trophies that adorn his shelves.  Fiona and Madison are enjoying a night out at a bar playing pool and drinking.  Fiona sees herself as a young teen again.  Madison raises her glass and Fiona reciprocates and then dumps her drink on the floor.  Did she put something in Madison’s drink or did she realize she was getting too wasted and stopped herself?  I can’t quite decide yet.

Zoe arrives at Kyle’s and finds his mother’s body in Kyle’s room.  When she turns around she sees her blood soaked love covered in mother blood and screams.  Fiona and Madison return to the school and Fiona mocks the portraits on the wall of the “old bat” Supremes that came before her.  She tells Madison that she is the new Supreme, that she is killing her and that she has cancer and won’t last another year.  Triple whammy!  Madison, in a rare act of kindness, says that she can get her agent on the phone and send the best oncologist in the country there quickly.  Fiona scoffs and says she won’t go out bald and shriveled.  Next she confesses that she killed her mentor and shows Madison the knife she used.  She tries to hand it to Madison and tells her to slit her throat.  Madison refuses and as they fight for the knife Fiona slits Madison’s throat.  Spalding is of course there to bare witness and as he hands Fiona a napkin to wipe the blood away he smiles knowingly and Fiona does the same.  She tells him, “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme, just a new rug.”

Whew!  What a weirdo episode kids!  Let me know what you thought of all the shenanigans and as always, thanks for reading!

 

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