I don’t watch Horror movies for the killings, if I was that way inclined I’d watch LORD OF THE RINGS;RETURN OF THE KING which has a grand total of 836 killings, Hell, TOPPER HARLEY from HOT SHOTS has more confirmed kills than any of the top horror mover and shaker. Killing people is a dime a dozen kind of thing, I’m more interested in the twisted and sick ways humans can come up to kill people, so when I leave the cinema and walk down the tree lined streets I get a feeling that no matter what CNN, FOX or any news program tells me about the state of the world, I know that whatever I just saw isn’t going to happen to me…Probably.
Anyway here’s my first installment of 10 FATES WORSE THAN DEATH.
- Ask Joan of Arc, Ask Freddy Krueger, actually don’t worry, it’s painful, excruciating and drawn out, your whole body is on fire, no way to escape, terrible, eyes explode, skin melts, then all that doubles when it gets to your genitals. Sorry, it’s not like this list is called light conversation for a cocktail party with workmates, it’s called 10 FATES WORSE THAN DEATH, and burning alive is one of those things, if you were told you were going to burn in the morning, you hope to god you’d pass away silently in the night.
9- BURIED ALIVE.
- This one’s not so good either, from being buried alive with the pharaoh to from Edgar Allen Poe to Ryan Reynolds being put in the ground while you’re still alive is a waking nightmare, lack of oxygen will get you sooner or later so a coffin is the best of the bunch, except if some voodoo practicing policeman has thrown in a tarantula ie/ Bill Pullman in SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW. Much, Much worse is to be buried in a large air filled space, old Royals would have an oubliette in the side of their dining halls, throw the food scraps down it that sort of thing, at the bottom some poor unfortunate who raised the kings ire, slowly starving.
8- EATEN OR DEVOURED.
- The punishment of Prometheus, to be tied to a rock and have an eagle eat his liver each day, then the liver grows back and is eaten again, over and over, sucks to be immortal, me I’m not, so I’ll only get eaten once, maybe a Shark or an exotic parasite, chances of an alien life-form planting a baby Zenomorph in my gut and it chewing its way out is slim, even slimmer is being hooked into a leviathan computer and used as a living battery, doesn’t matter what the from, being eaten and that fueling the thing that killed you, GAK!
- An oldy but a goody, offered torture then death, or just plain death, I’d choose cake. Man has spent it’s entire evolution coming up with sick ways to make his fellow earthlings squeal in pain most of which I knew before grade four, everything from ripping the skin of your feet to hanging captives of war over a fire then using the bodies as archery practice, (the old ways are the best), now we have water torture, sonic assaults and mind bending drugs, probably something to do with OHS. But torture is a hell of a thing, just check out Human Centipede or the Serbian Film, torture is a constantly evolving thing.
6- ENSLAVED BY EVIL.
- The Zodiac Killer, who they never caught, said he killed people so they’d be his slaves in the afterlife, doesn’t sound so bad, the good thing about being enslaved by evil is job security, but do you really want to join the hordes of KALI worshipers trying to kill Indiana Jones, be incorporated into the BORG, hypnotized by the aliens from They Live? Do you want to be Renfield? Eating insects and hoping for immortality that never comes, No, No you don’t, who does?
5-KILLED BY YOUR OWN CREATION.
- Makes you feel pretty stupid to spend all your intelligence and time building something that only turns around and kills you, Sky net, Frankenstein, Grendel, it’s always better to be aware of the monster child.
4-THE OTHER ( BECOMING A MONSTER )
- Darth Vader offers Luke a membership to Club Evil, Luke jumps off the edge of Cloud City, enough said.
- One of these kids is not like the other ones, Gulag, outcast, a sane man in a world of crazy ones, alone and forced to the edge of society, shunned, worse still is to know it, like the man and the boy from the road, perhaps they are the last, or Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, the last one in a new and alien world, I can see an upside, but from the dawn of time being an outcast from the tribe has brought on feelings of preference for the dirt nap.
- The last reward for vampires, Oblivion is the punishment reserved for the seeker of immortality. For millennia mankind has risked life and limb to make their mark on history, whole lives dedicated to it, an almost impossible task, searched for in books and bottles, driving people insane, why? Oblivion. To be forgotten, scattered on the sands of time, worst thing ever.
1- ROOM 101
- The wild card of FATES WORSE THAN DEATH, ROOM 101 from George Orwell’s 1984 holds whatever you fear the most, spiders, pain, Neil Patrick Harris, whatever you fear the most is in there, Winston sold out his memories, his family, love and dignity, everything to avoid Room 101.
There’s 10, there’s plenty more, the history books are full of them, but for now these should give you food for thought, sweet dreams.
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