“Welcome to Briarcliff”  The wait is finally over friendos!  Let’s tighten our straight jackets and dive in!

Our twisted tale begins in the present with Leo and Teresa.  They are newlyweds taking a haunted honeymoon tour.  Their last stop is Briarcliff that was built in the early 1900s.  It was taken over by the Catholic church in 1962.  Why not go to Bora Bora instead you ask?  Because Teresa has a thing for everything horror.  As they make their way through the dilapidated building they recount the story of Bloody Face, Briarcliff’s most famous patient.  He killed his victims and wore their skin as a mask.  Yummy!

All this romantic talk has Teresa in the mood for some hanky panky.  They find a room where they used to do electroshock therapy.  Leo throws her on the chair and picks up the head piece that was used to provide the shocks and puts it to her temples (I hope the electricity is off!).  Then he throws them down and they get er, down to business.  This show is what parental warnings were made for!  Whooo boy!  Then they hear a noise, what a buzz kill.  They make their way to a heavy door with a slot in it and Leo pokes his arm through to take a picture with his cell phone.  Teresa tells him if he takes another pic she will give him a bj.  He readily agrees and as he sticks his arm through again it is promptly ripped off, and that’s where we leave our horny, er, lovely couple for now.

“Did you hear that? Was it a Maroon 5 song?”

We are transported back to 1964 where we meet Kit, return cast member Evan Peters, who is a gas station attendant with a secret.  Some of his buddies ask to borrow his gun while he’s on the job and tease him about having a “maid”.  When he gets home we find out that the maid is a beautiful black woman whom he secretly married.  Which is awesomely cool now, but in the sixties?  Practically unheard of and definitely frowned upon.

Another sexy scene follows with the two of them in their bed.  As they get it on they see bright flashing lights and loud noises.  Kit quickly dresses and grabs his shot gun.  He opens the front door and is blinded by lights and deafened by a bizarre noise.  Stunned he falls to the floor where he hears his wife screaming for help.  Then an unseen force lifts him up to the ceiling and drops him down again.  The last we see of him, for now, he is surrounded by white and a very alien looking hand goes between his legs.  Anal probe anyone?

Now we finally get to see Briarcliff in all its ominous glory.  A reporter named Lana is making her way in past the guards to do a story on the asylum’s baked goods.  Sure she is.  A young and naïve nun named Sister Mary, another familiar face from season one Lily Rabe, escorts Lana to Sister Jude’s office.  Yay!  My fave cast member from season one!  Jessica Lange looks menacing in her habit.  Sister Judy quickly sniffs her out and knows she could give a shit about the baked goods coming from her kitchen.  She’s really there because she knows the infamous Bloody Face is being admitted there today.  Jude tells her to take a hike.

Welcome back Jessica!

As the prisoner is being lead up the steps, as Lana is leaving, we see that the man they call Bloody Face is in fact Kit.  I think it’s a bit too soon to really believe that.  He is stripped down and hosed off, he’s got a nice body!  Sorry, back to the story.  After he is strapped down to the bed in his cell, Sister Jude enters.  She asks him if it was easier to carve the flesh from the dark meat, his wife.  He freaks and says he didn’t kill anyone.  Then he tells her about the aliens…I don’t think she’ll buy that Kit.

Next we meet Sister Jude’s arch nemesis, a sinister James Cromwell, who plays Dr. Arden.  Jude thinks he is an ungodly man, Dr. Arden could care less.  She asks him about the recent disappearance of four patients, who were all alone in the world with no family to realize that they were gone.  Arden tells her they died of natural causes.  When she asks about the bodies he says they were cremated.  How convenient doc!  Jude decides to cook a gourmet meal for Monsignor Timothy Howard, played by Joseph Fiennes, to discuss Arden.  She even has a fantasy that she takes off her robes and habit and she has beautiful long blonde hair and is wearing sexy red lingerie.  I thought she was supposed to be married to Jesus!  After she comes back to the real world the Monsignor tells her that she and Dr. Arden must work as a team.

We see Sister Mary in Dr. Arden’s laboratory where Mary says, “They sound hungry”.  Dr. Arden gives her two buckets and she rushes down a dark tunnel and out into the woods.  She quickly drops the bucket, the contents look like human limbs, and rushes back to the building.  On the way there she runs into Lana who has snuck back onto the property.  She asks Mary if she is afraid of Jude, which she obviously is.  Lana promises Mary that she won’t rat her out if she gets her back in the building.

Lana is in search of Bloody Face’s room to get her story, but has to hide from Sister Jude as she hears commotion from the men’s ward and does a search of the floor.  Lana sneaks past Jude and WHAMMO! She falls into some kind of chute.  When she comes to she is tied to a bed and Sister Jude is looming over her.  She tells her that her “illness” can be cured and shows her a signed document that gives permission for treatment.  It was signed by Lana’s lover Wendy, who was forced into it by Jude because she promised to out the respected school teacher if she didn’t.  Another forbidden romance destroyed.

What Lana doesn’t know is the cell she was hiding in was Bloody Face’s.  He wasn’t there because good ol’ Dr. Arden came in and gave him a shot in the neck.  Once revived he finds himself on an operating table surrounded by a plethora of blood curdling medical instruments.  The doc even props Kit’s eyes open with prongs a la A CLOCKWORK ORANGE so that he can’t close them no matter what is done to him.  As he examines Kit’s neck he feels something hard.  He grabs his trusty scalpel and cuts out what looks like a microchip.  Seconds after he sets it on his table it grows legs and runs off like an insect.  Yes friendos, I am serious about that.

“This is worse than the anal probe!”

We end this twisted tale by fast forwarding back to the present.  Leo is bleeding out on the floor so Teresa makes a tourniquet from a belt.  Then she leaves him alone to go find help.  As she tries to navigate her way through the labyrinth that was Briarcliff she runs into someone.  A certain someone who is wearing what looks like skin on his face!  Whoo what a ride!  How did you like this episode?  How do you feel about the alien story line?  Let me know friendos!  Thanks for reading.

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