TV Movie ‘O’ the Week – LAKE PLACID: THE FINAL CHAPTER!

Jody here again.  Read on friendos to see if this one lived up to my standard for crocodile attack movies…

Now when I saw one particular name was in the cast I was ecstatic.  Robert freakin’ Englund!  It also starred Elisabeth Rohm and Yancy Butler (Who names their kid Yancy by the way?).  But the man who is Freddy Krueger?!  This shit must be some campy frothy fun!  Alas, it was not to be.  Elisabeth plays the local stick up her ass sheriff and Yancy is a former poacher turned Fish and Game officer.  Robert plays the head of a group of poachers who pay off one of the Fish and Gamers to let them into a protected sanctuary if you will, for giant crocodiles.  They have rights too you know.

“Do I have something in my teeth? ‘Cause I feel like I have something in my teeth!”

Sir Robert’s first appearance involves some muffled dialogue and making kissy noises at the crocs.  What a waste of his talents.  We also get to see how the crocs do, which I call Croc-O-Vision.  Looks just like night vision!  Fascinating!  One genius poacher falls into the electrified fence and fries himself up real good.  A warm dinner is had by a huge croc.  How thoughtful!

As well all now these animal attack movies need some fresh meat, how sweet.  Get it?  You better had if you’re a Freddy fan.  This time around we have a swim team going on a field trip to Clear Lake.  But the bus driver Gus, yes that was the name, is too busy looking at porn on his cell and accidentally drives them to Black Lake instead, which is inside the compound.  My god this can’t be good!  As the kiddies sit ‘round the campfire telling scary yarns the poachers are picked off one by one.

As two bikini-clad gals frolic in the water Gus the bus driver decides to take a leak.  His wang is promptly bitten off by a croc.  The teens then find some wave runners!  Oh great!  Free-range teens!  A few more get killed off as the sheriff and her team happen upon the traitor that let the poachers in.  He is sitting on a rock near the shore with all the fingers, minus his thumb, missing.  The good sheriff asks what the hell he’s doing there and he says, “Tying up loose ends.”  Someone asks if it was worth it and he says yes.  Then we get our…

FUNNIEST LINE OF THE MOVIE!!!

The man says to the traitor, “Well remember that when you have to sign your name.”  And Yancy says, “Yeah and jackin’ off is gonna be a bitch.”  Hee hee!

Finally one hour and eighteen minutes into the movie Robert shows up hiding on a boat.  I was thinking to myself “Yes!  It’s about damn time we get to have some fun!”  WRONGO!  He takes the remaining teen survivors on the boat, but his primary objective is still on crocodilly.  (Sorry I’ve been watching the Jersey Shore marathon all weekend and it was a useable reference and yes, I am ashamed of myself),  Mr. Englund puts the teens in a creaky, creepy cabin and heads back out in search of his quarry, croc eggs.

“Why, why have you wasted my enormous camp potential?!”

The sheriff finds her daughter and a few others and they make it to the fence.  Sheriff mom pumps a charging croc full of lead and jumps out of the way just in time to let crocky fry on the fence.  Robert gets his comeuppance when he taunts a croc and says the eggs are scrambled anyway, croc swallows him up right quick.  What a waste of Robert freakin’ Englund!  The predictable ending shows a jogging co-ed going on her merry way as her iPod reports that the area is now croc free.  And as if I had to tell you, she is promptly chomped on by one.

This movie could have had so many more great one-liners, especially with Englund!  What the hell was the director thinking?!  I don’t even really care because this movie was pretty lame ass.  I guess I’ll have to stick to shark attack movies to get my chuckles.  Thanks for reading friends and please let me know what you thought of this flick!

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