Hello friendos! Jody here with a new article! I will now be reviewing made-for-TV movies! First up, the self-explanatory TWO-HEADED SHARK ATTACK!
This movie features an all-star cast of D-listers! And that’s being generous. Carmen Electra! Brooke Hogan! Charlie O’Connell! We begin our tale with two gals water skiing. In no time a two-headed shark is on the prowl. With the murky water and piss-poor CGI effects, the first kills are of the blink-and-you-miss-it variety. This “action” leads us to our main cast who are college co-eds on a semester at sea. Carmen Electra plays a (cough, cough) doctor! The poor thing must be sick of being type-cast. Charlie O’Connell is the captain/teacher/husband of Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan is our heroine.
As their ship is sailing toward a particular island, they get an unwelcome stow-away, a mutilated one-headed shark. (Sorry folks, just a warning…I am using lots of hyphens in this review!) Mr. One-Head gets his dead ass stuck in the ship’s propeller, which attracts the two-headed shark, who will now have the moniker Two-Head. Two-Head then begins to bite into the ship’s hull. Oh no! The ship is taking on water! A few brave souls stay onboard to try to repair the ship. Miraculously the rest of the students and Charlie O’Connell take turns using a dinghy, (hee hee!) to get to (SURPRISE!) an island that just happens to be very close to the ill-fated ship.
As our co-eds explore the tiny island we discover that Brooke Hogan has a back-story! When she was twelve years of age the rest of her girl group were flirting with boys and she was alone in the water. Damn that sounds familiar. Anyhoo…a six foot shark swims up to her and for some unknown reason decides not to bite her. Ever since then she has stayed out of the water and for some unknown reason decides to take a semester at sea class to face her fears!
Elsewhere on the island a seaman and sea women are frolicking at the beach. Unfortunately Two-Head has other plans and ruins their menage a tois. My favorite line of the movie comes when the kiddos find two abandoned boats on the island and decide to race. They finally see Two-Head eating some of the idiots on the boat with the larger motor. A bikini-clad chick says, “Two heads…that’s twice as many teeth!!!” No shit Sherlock!
Now the rest of our survivors are stuck on the atoll, not an island, which according to our resident geek in the movie is an island made of coral encircling a lagoon. Good lord! I actually learned something from this movie! Hooray! Back to our story, the injured Charlie O’Connell tells the group that the radio on the boat is kaput and the only way to call for help is to blow up the boat. But for reasons unbeknownst to me, it is decided that Brooke and a guy I shall call ‘Roids Boy are to re-board the ship and fix it. Luckily for the movie, Brooke knows how to weld, underwater I might add, because her father is a welder! Problem solved right?! WRONG!
As Brooke and ‘Roids prepare to head back to the ship, Nerd guy hooks up a generator found on the island, er…atoll, and starts to trick Two-Head with its vibrations. Brooke and ‘Roids make it safely back to the ship and Brooke begins to weld the ship, even though she’s never scuba dived before. While she’s under, ‘Roids decides to start the engine and take off, leaving Brooke in the drink. Two-Head wises up to the generator trick and goes after the now sinking ship. ‘Roids tries in vain to make his escape on a life raft and Two-Head has yet another snack. Somehow Brooke winds up back on the atoll with the rest of our lingering cast.
As the atoll is quaking and shaking the kids and “couple” Charlie and Carmen are running for their lives to avoid the fault lines that are breaking up the atoll. Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra have a scene-stealing moment when they are caught between fault lines…and they see…wait for it…a TSUNAMI! The giant wave and Two-Head close in, and the dynamic duo share one last kiss before their long-awaited demise. The tsunami decimates the atoll, yet somehow a wooden shack stands tall and the co-eds doggie-paddle their way to it. Two-Head crashes the party and gets caught in the double doors, yet manages to take out even more people.
And then there were three…Brooke, the nerd and the gal who got Brooke’s character to open up about her past. They find a barrel full of gasoline and decide to try to blow up Two-Head. Nerd and gal pal, who luckily has a Zippo lighter at her disposal, will try to make a fuse out of nerd’s t-shirt as Brooke swims out to lure the shark to her. Sounds like a bad idea eh? Not so much, remember the back story? Brooke does indeed attract Two-Head and somehow wedges her bikini-clad bod between their two heads and stabs them with a piece of driftwood. Meantime nerd and gal pal have trouble lighting the fuse…gal pal decides to bang her Zippo against the metal gasoline tank to draw Two-Head to her, which works wonders.
Thanks to gal pal’s brave actions Two-Head chews her up and spits bits of her out, and also apparently sucks in some gasoline. Now nerd and Brooke are left floating in the ocean with, oooh what’s that?!, the last boat left floating! Brooke decides to turn the motor on and let the boat roar back towards the ocean. Two-Head falls for it and chases it down, chomping on the motor and…EXPLODES! A helicopter swoops in and I was wishing that Two-Head wasn’t dead and would jump up and eat the helicopter, but alas it wasn’t meant to be. We end our tale with nerd and Brooke waiting to be rescued by said helicopter.
Let’s be honest folks. Why do most of us watch Syfy Original Movies? For the fantastic characterizations and story? Nah. For the magnificent special effects? No sir. I like to think that we, meaning me and my imaginary friends, watch for the “schlock factor”. Saturday night I’m usually relaxing with some beers and in some cases I am in the mood to watch a terrible movie that I can laugh at but don’t have to pay that much attention to. For that reason alone, I can applaud it. If you’re a movie snob, which I am guilty of, just put in JAWS and drink a lot of booze and perhaps you’ll see a two-headed shark too, and still have a shred of dignity left.
Thanks yet again for reading. If you have watched this movie please let me know what you thought of it!
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