Retro Review: GORE-MET, ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986)

Yes, it is as bad as it sounds. – Bleeding Dead

Off the sandy shores of the ocean Gonza’s Deli frequents many customers, luring them in for it’s atmosphere and quality food. Little do these customers know though that Gorza’s Deli is a front for what I presume to be illegal alcohol sales and a six hundred year old cannibal cult that serves to Satan and the uncontrollable lust for flesh. The customers that frequent Gonza’s Deli don’t appear out of the normal, which is a clear sign of evil cult followers as most of them are. The facade doesn’t foul the good side though as the brother of Gonza, or the man who stands outside the Deli and warns people not to go in, is plotting to destroy Gonza and his human butchering Deli once and for all. In an epic battle set in a random location Gonza and the good side face off and fight for ownership of the Deli, causing Gonza to show his true face, or what Satan has made him become.

Maybe this is to my ignorance to coastal customs but I was unaware that Deli’s frequented the beach and served alcoholic beverages. In the most obscure video and record stores do you find GORE-MET, ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL underneath a pile of used and forgotten eighties film, albeit missing a cover of course. This is not how this particular film came to me (boyfriend had it, oddly) but I’m assaying to describe how rare this film is, that it can only be found in the darkest corner of the ninety nine cents bin. Few films don’t have an availability but to actually not have a Wikipedia page is a baffling concept I’m still trying to recover from. The film is unrealistic bad, a phrase that only gets knighted to such films as Blood Freak. It has no cult following, it rips off two other bad exploitation cannibal flicks (one by Godfather of Gore Herschel Gordon Lewis), and as risible as the quality may be the film is still not as enjoyable as hoped. As to where I begin describing the horrid plane crash this film resembles is arresting, there’s so much to discuss.

At the base, I’m not positive but I’m fairly certain that the dialogue made absolutely no sense. The plot itself made no sense, but the dialogue wasn’t even coherent. It appears that I have forgotten every character’s name besides Gonza, the leader of the cannibal cult who dons Hawaiian shirts. But I’m honestly not even sure if that’s the correct way to spell it either, and IMDB doesn’t list the actor who plays him. Basically Gonza has a consistent note of monotone hymns that can only be chimed by the most gifted of bad actors. A rare art where the cadence of your voice is driven by unnerving constipation. The music is a collected playlist from a wannabe swinger’s sex pad. The main score in particular I could see being played during the Silence of the Lambs dance. And the special effects is of the cut to the missing limb variety. Though there is a delightfully funny scene where the cook literally punches the health inspectors head off. In photography I’d like to comment but atlas I could see nothing. What was occurring half the time was beyond me.

The highlights of the film is the five minute dance sequence where you get to see Gonza cho-mo dance with a group of topless women to music that would make anyone feel violated, in the worst sort of way. I don’t know if Gore-met ever reached it’s climax or if it honestly was even building towards one.  The film drags in the middle maybe pursuing you to turn off it off but in truth you can fast forward and not miss anything relevant. And truthfully the film is strange.  As it is though I can’t hate on Gore-met too much, though it lacks the droll and unbelievable horror of such films like Blood Freak and Troll 2 you can still laugh at it. But I’d only recommended it to B-movie lovers for it’s rarity, not for its charm, or lack thereof.  It is what it is, watch it sober, not sober, or don’t watch it. You have to be the judge on this one.

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