Drive-In Review: PIRANHA 3DD (Blu-Ray)

Those fiendish fish are back and this time, they are even hungrier.

Piranha 3DD (2012)

Directed by: John Gulager

Stars: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner,David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd,Ving Rhames,Gary Busey

Run Time: 83 Min

MPAA Rating: R

Distributed by: Anchor Bay

When Piranha 3DD was first announced, gore hounds everywhere rejoiced. We knew there would be buckets of blood, tons of boobs and a wild eyed, white haired scientist, who builds a time machine…wait wrong movie.

Piranha 3DD picks up after the tragic events(tragic for the poor kids but hilarious to us)that took place on Lake Victoria in Piranha 3D. Lake Victoria is a ghost town now and the question asked is: Could this tragedy happen again? Boy howdy does it! The piranhas are unleashed in a very flatulent manner by Clayton(Gary Busey) and Mo(Clu Gulager) on an unsuspecting town. This is when we meet Maddy(Danielle Panabaker) who returns to her family’s water park(The Big Wet) only to find it turned into a sort of porno playground for adults by her step father Chet(David Koechner). For the grand opening of the park, Chet hires the greatest life guard ever David Hasselhoff.  While all this is going on we are introduced to the various employees of the park and how many of them are just looking to get laid(naturally). The piranha find their way into the park and all hell breaks loose.

In all the madness that ensues, a love triangle happens that makes you feel sorry for one guy and literally want to punch the other guy in the throat. Add to this a scene that makes ever woman cringe and every man cry like a baby.  Enough of my ramblings, lets get to those Drive-In Totals.

DRIVE-IN TOTALS

Too Many Dead Bodies To Count

26 Breasts

2 Vaginas

Projectile Vomiting

Alcohol Drinking

Weed Smoking

Hole Humping(Trust me it’s hilarious)

Cow Farting

Penis Biting

Severed Penis

Anus Eating

Machine Gun Fu

Machete Fu

Gun Fu

Shotgun Fu

3D Fu

Car Fu

Handcuff Fu

Explosives Fu

Golf Cart Fu

And a decapitation scene that is a bit far fetched even for this film.

The image and sound are both top notch on Anchor Bay’s Blu-ray. This is sort of a mixed blessing if you think about it.Sure, the disc has a razor-sharp image, but that only serves to underline just how poorly the films CGI and even practical effects look at times. The audio is crystal-clear, though the sound design is less than stellar. Still, if you’re determined to watch the film (and if you have the tech), you’ll want to go ahead and check out the film in 3D.

The deleted scenes section is really just a two-and-a-half minute collection of extra moments that is really bland. “The Story Behind the DD” is as hollow as the film itself, with a few talking heads and some behind-the-scenes intercut with the film’s trailer adding up to seven-and-a-half minutes of your life that you will be to be given back. “The Hofftastic World of David Hasselhoff” has the washed-up celebrity overestimating his cult appeal for about two minutes too long, while “Busey’s Bloopers”  is less about mistakes Busey made on film and is more a very mean spirited attack on a brain damaged actor of yesteryear. This feature was meant to be funny? More like disgusting and cruel.

“Wet and Wild with David Koechner” features the usually hilarious actor speaking behind the scenes, he really doesn’t look happy about being a part of the film if you watch him closely. Wrapping up the bonus features is “A Lesson with John McEnroe”, a short film featuring the hotheaded tennis pro being an asshole to his equally douchebaggie student. This has nothing to do with Piranha 3DD whatsoever.

Jaws made us afraid to go into the water. Piranha 3D made us scared to party in the water. Now Piranha 3DD makes us terrified of water parks. (We fear them for all the urine, not the fish in this case) Sheesh, is there any body of water humans can hang out in that won’t be attacked by some other worldly creature? All answers point to no. All in all, what could have been an awesome romp of gore and boobs ends up being something Roger Corman would even turn down to produce.

This film can not be recommend by this critic.

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  1 comment for “Drive-In Review: PIRANHA 3DD (Blu-Ray)

  1. TDBlogger
    September 13, 2012 at 11:53 AM

    “This film can not be recommend by this critic.”

    LMAO, you’re a blogger not a critic.

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